Sadness

Every morning I read Larry Siever’s NPR blog called “My Cancer.” He is nearing the end now, and today his wife wrote a touching piece about the sadness that comes with cancer. My own first experience with that sadness came from my doctors. I could see the sadness in their eyes, and in their body language. It told me more about the seriousness of my condition than all of their words combined.

It is one thing to talk about hope, attitude, and learning to appreciate each and every day. It is quite another to look into the eyes of those close to you and see their worry and fear. It is often I who feels the need to comfort and reassure them. It is easier to be the one with cancer. I will not be the one to suffer when my last day comes. It will be those closest to me who will feel the loss, the grief… the sadness. And if I am sad about anything, it is that.

Until I lost my hair I could pass through stores and restaurants with no one the wiser. I still looked “normal.” Now even the waitress looks at me differently… not in a bad way… but with a sad knowing that this woman has cancer. I don’t feel sad, but it is all around me. The only thing for me to do is to smile my brightest, laugh my loudest, and say, “Save your sadness for the many who have never truly lived. I have had a great life.”

... PLM